148. Beaconsfield Comedy
From: ross@8i.com
Subject: BEACONSFIELD GOLD MINE : 1st draft. Tasmanian edition
Date: 15 July 2006 12:01:24 AM
To: bulletinletters@acpmagazines.com.au
Cc: letters@theage.com.au
G'day everyone, and LADIES and GENTLEMEN,
Nice to see all o' ya on a cold night like this. I spose youse all know why I'm here, right?
Barry astd me ta talk to youse 'bout the mine.
Barry, Barry Easter as youse all know, he's OUR MAYOR. The old grey mayor o' Beaconsfield, I always like to call him.
Well, strickly speakin', Wes' Tamar.
THE OL' GREY MARE A' WEST TAMAR COUNCIL.
See, Bas ol' boy, he says, says he to me yes'dy, Ross ol bloke, youse both 'ave got 3 'ouses 'ere in Beacy right, he says? So youse pay 3 lotsa rates.
Two, anyway , I says. 2 o' the ' ouses is on the one title. So 2 lotsa rates, I says.
Good , he says. So we are gunna give you this citizenship award for bein' a very special Tasmanian. We's gunna give ya this SECOND HEAD.
And he passes me this wooden head on a stick. See? It looks like me other one but its on a stick. And I c'n stick it down me colla' like so an' it looks like I got 2 heads see, like a REAL PROVERBIAL TASMANIAN.
But he goes , like , this second 'ead, its removable like, cause we knows ya both live on the mainland, the north island as someone said th'other day...
So we put it on a stick,like. Hope youse all like it, Ross.
Does me wife get one too? I says
Na, he goes, jus' the main ratepayer. Man o' th' 'ouse, like.
Mmm. yep. I c'n do that, I says, with a sudden feeling of having Importance at Home.
Now that, thats a NEW feeling.
But thats another story for another day.
So 'ere I am , guys, 'oldin' up this 'ere stick to indicate to youse not only am I 'ead o' me own 'ouse, but I've bin given this award for bein' 2 Tasmanians in one, even when I'm a mainlander.
(pause for laughs)
Anyways, I'm 'ere to talk about the mine.
The Beaconsfield gold mine, and its future in your "eart and mine, an' in th'earts of the people o'
Bea-cons-field:
There's lotsa mineshafts around Bea-cons-field, as y'all know: /
And as you also know, not everyone from 'roun' 'ere tells ya when they discovers a old mineshaft,do they?
You dont get to 'ear about as many as what gets discovered do you?
Cos not ev'ryone as discovers an old mineshaft gets back to tell the story.Do they, right?
Not if'n they've fallen in , right, thought I' d better explain thet one see, me mum never unnerstood me jokes so she said, an' so did most ev'ryone else, I should label me jokes, see?
So, thet wassa JOKE
(pause for possible laugh)
Not like ol' Brant an' Toddy, right?
And talkin' 'bout Brant an' Toddy, right, youse is probly aware thet thet mine o' our'n is 'bout a killometer deep, right? And where youse all dug out Brant an' Toddy was on the 925 meter level, right? A right MIRACLE, according to the BEA-CONS-FIELD UNITING CHURCH, right?
Well, remember thet. If youse remember nuthin' else tonight, frienz, remember this:
Brant and Toddy walked out into the daylight from the 925 meter level. After absolutely hell on earth for an eternity in anyone's language, perticly the good Lords language. And youse all know thet thet mine is roight below The Uniting Church o' beewhatever Bea-cons-field, don't youse!
But that, good folks, is also another story f'r anudder day.
Youse all know, around the world the developed nations is using NUCLEAR power.
Don't ask me what they do with it, but they use it. Probly its an alternative to bottle gas or sumpin.
Anyway, doesn' matter, what matters isn theys usin' NUCLEAR POWER.
And as youse all know, its not safe. Oh , the NUCLEAR POWER,s safe, its th'idiots what provide its the problem.
They use the POWER, but they ain't got no place to dump the spent waste. No Recycle bins if youse knows what I mean. Nowhere to stick the stuff which only gets like, half used up chemically like, and theys got noplace, no recycle bin to stick the other 'alf which is gunna be proactive for another 50 or so MILLION YEARS.
Now regardless of what the good Barry Easter the Honourable MayoraBeacy said to me, or what the honourable whatserface from the Honourable Unitin' Churcha Beacy says, this is not a Commercial.
And no matter whether youse all saw David Kochy and Mr Ninepins an' Jennifer Fallutin' Keyte 'ere, I says, this is not a Commercial. Mainly 'cos they none of 'em are paying me , right?
All the budget, they said, went to Brant and whats 'is name, they " gave at the office' if youse all know what I mean.
Anyway, to ruin a good story, sorry, to get on with it, I have to tell youse all about me STUDY trip OVERSEAS LAST YEAR.
As youse all know, normal people, like us Taswegians, we use WATER to generate our power.
It's clean. There's plenty of it. And it's free. And besides, what's really important, IT"S ALL UPHILL from us.
Also it tastes good, it's not worth anything, and its self replenishing. The Uniting Church have a word for it, but I cant remember it. Like self- replenishing.
Anyway, as I said, youse is familiar with WATER POWER GENERATION.
We Taswegians with both one head or two is the GENERATION of WATER GENERATORS.
We has our place in this world, this present evil world. I heard thet at th'Unitin' Church too.
But thet's another story fer anudder day too, like.
Well, over on the mainland, in Victoria they uses hot air from coal. They useta say it was from Kennet, now it's more o' a Bracksy think like, anyway...
In France where I went, where they really speak French an' all, they , like they can't even understand the Queen's English, them frogs uses NUCLEAR POWER:
In FRANCE where I went, you go on these VERY FAST TRAINS, in Tasmania youse don't have real trains loike the Frenchies do, I mean REALLY FAST TRAINS. TGV's the frogs call 'em.
Stands for something what I can't remember but being theb FROGS it's probly rude...
Anyways when youse are all on these TGV VERY FAST TRAINS travelling at 300 killometersanhour, nearly as fast as a JUMBO JET what we don"t have in Launnie yet but they've been in VICTORIA on the MAINLAND for like 4o years, they travel at 1000 killometersanhour on the way to FRANCE but they don't go direct to FRANCE they go through LONDON or DUBAI or whatever but that's anudder story
(pause f'r laughter)
And in RUSHA. They use NUCLEAR POWER in RUSHA. Like its goin' outa fashion.
( laughs)
( laugh histerically yourself , like, if no-one else laughs)
An' in CZECH REPUBLIC!!!
Now to get to the enda this story, like Barry EASTERBUNNY'S asked me to tell youse all, I just gotta get youse to picture this border between RUSHA and CZECH REPUBLIC.
Its sorta like between New South Whales and Victoria, except there ain't no river.
More like the border between New South Whales an' Queensland, except its stacked with SHIPPING CONTAINERS. Like the Tasmanian Railway Workshops used to be like afore they, the TASMANIAN PARLIAMENT, pulled the trains orfa the lines.
So youse get the picture, right?
Well, these Ruskis and these Checkers, they's got nowhere to recycle their waste NUCLEAR product what's left over from their high faluti' NUCLEAR HALF REACTORS what's gunna stay active for the next 50 MILLION years, and our KIDS next 50 MILLION years, and THEIR KIDS next 50 MILLION years, if youse all know what I mean.
This NUCLEAR REACTIVE POWER WASTE IS BEIN" STORED IN THEM SHIPPING CONTAINERS ON THE RUSSIAN FRONT. ON THE CHECK BORDER.
See what I mean, Barry's RECYCLE BINS make sense if you think about it don't it, and we Taswegians is a thinkin' race.
Paul whatsisface called AUSTRALIA, the CLEVER COUNTRY!
Did youse all know thet?
And TASMANIANS is AUSTRALIANS too, really, in the big picture.
We really is.
So yousa all seen them shipping containers right?
Theres shipping containers does two things, right?
They sits round on docks, and they goes rusty, right?
Well these SHIPPING CONTAINERS on the CHESKY RUSSIAN FRONT is sittin on the ground, and goin' rusty, like we said.
FULLA ROTTEN REEKIN FILTHY NUCLEAR HALF WASTE to see our children an' our children's children an' all the Ruski's an ' the Cheski's children through for 50 MILLION YEARS.
So.
SO ? you says?
We don't have nothin'to worry about, so long as they don't bring them intermediaries to Australia. Or Tasmania. We've kept them refurottengees outa this place fer the last 50 million years we can keep 'em out another!
But people like me who owns 3 houses in Tasmania to rent to the PUBLIC, and Barry Easter the MAYOR, we have what we call a SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY.
We want to help these poor unfortunate people who have to use NUCLEAR POWER because they don't have FREE WATER. What's uphill from them...
The Parliament of THE CZECH REPUBLIC, they have decided, and this is fair dinkum , they have decided they need somewhere to stick their waste by the year 2030.
Fair dinkum. Youse can read all about it on the Internet.
On BROADBAND anyway. " Cause most people here in Beacy, we suffer under Telstra's President Bush plan and maybe can't wait long enough to download that stuff, but let me assure you felloew NORTHERN TASMANIANS , even if youse don't all have HONARY BARRY EASTER BUNNY HEADS that this is a true thing:
THE CHESKI PARLIAMENT have decreed that by 2030 they will have a place to recycle, no, I tell a lie, they will have a place to stick their half used uranium yellow cake that isn't in cake tins..
(pause for laughter)
No, they are going to BURY IT.
The CHESKI PARLIAMENT of CZECH REPUBLIC have decreed 5 possible places to bury their URANIUM YELLOW CAKE.....
One o' these is ROHOZNA where I spent some days with my friend who actually has a house in CHESKI, but there are 5 ROHOZNAS in CZECH, so I don't know if it's the same ROHOZNA or not, but , do you know, over there in greater EUROPE, you wouldn't believe it but they are all absolute NIMBYS.........NOT IN MY BACKYARD THANKYOU.
Have you heard that expression before? Its very EURO. Just the latest expression, oh, about 20 years ago?
The latest saying.
Except since they don't speak English over there they probly have some other GOBBLEDEGOOK expression that we civilised TASMANIANS wouldn't understand.
Anyways, what they plan is, that the CHESKI guvmint is gunna dig a hole halfa mile deep, to store their NUCLEAR WASTE
No wheelie bins there, Barry Easter. Just a big longdrop.
Like, our West Tamar Council climbed outa that hole at least 10 years ago right?
( expect more laughter)
Remember thet song by thet 3-legged Rough Harris fella , about the REDBACK on the toilet SUITE? I lo-o-oved thet song. Wonder if he sang it to THE QUEEN while he was painting her face this year over there in ENGLAND?
But thet's anudder story fer anudder time like, if youse gets me drift.
Anyways, these CHESKIS has it all worked out.
And anyways two, THE CZECH REPUBLIC is small bikkies. What they gunna do is dig this hole halfamile deep, and bury the stuff!
But I ask you, how does thet help?
How does thet help the Ruskis who hev gone broke and have their teeming yellow millions with their teeming yellow cake with the teeming half-life of 50 million years?
How does that help, when Barry Easter the MAYOR of WEST TAMAR COUNCIL in NORTHERN TASMANIA and me, ROSS, and you, the people of BEA-CONS-FIELD HAVE A SOCIAL RESPONSOIBILITY?
Say, does anyone here have a metric converter, I lost mine shorten, sorry shortly after we got decimal currency in 1960 something.
And there's another name destined for another time..Mr Bill Shorten, but sadly for him I think it's in the past...
(maybe more laughter if you hev Liberal Voters in Beaconsfield...check..)
Anyways. .. to the besta my superior UNEDUCATED mind, like the DISCIPLES OF THE UNITING CHURCH OF BEA-CONS-FIELD I always say ,
"UNLEARNED AND IGNORANT MEN",
alla us here , meself included, I fergot what I was gunna say.
( pause to sip and think)
YES I know, if youse all get a metric CONVERTER , youse will find that HALFAMILE, that's 2640 feet deep in ENGLISH, is approximately roughly EXACTLY EQUIVALENT to 925 meters.
( pause for effect of shock: SILENCE)
LADIES and GENTLEMEN,, I GIVE YOU BEACONSFIELD.!!!!!
******
Subject: BEACONSFIELD GOLD MINE : 1st draft. Tasmanian edition
Date: 15 July 2006 12:01:24 AM
To: bulletinletters@acpmagazines.com.au
Cc: letters@theage.com.au
G'day everyone, and LADIES and GENTLEMEN,
Nice to see all o' ya on a cold night like this. I spose youse all know why I'm here, right?
Barry astd me ta talk to youse 'bout the mine.
Barry, Barry Easter as youse all know, he's OUR MAYOR. The old grey mayor o' Beaconsfield, I always like to call him.
Well, strickly speakin', Wes' Tamar.
THE OL' GREY MARE A' WEST TAMAR COUNCIL.
See, Bas ol' boy, he says, says he to me yes'dy, Ross ol bloke, youse both 'ave got 3 'ouses 'ere in Beacy right, he says? So youse pay 3 lotsa rates.
Two, anyway , I says. 2 o' the ' ouses is on the one title. So 2 lotsa rates, I says.
Good , he says. So we are gunna give you this citizenship award for bein' a very special Tasmanian. We's gunna give ya this SECOND HEAD.
And he passes me this wooden head on a stick. See? It looks like me other one but its on a stick. And I c'n stick it down me colla' like so an' it looks like I got 2 heads see, like a REAL PROVERBIAL TASMANIAN.
But he goes , like , this second 'ead, its removable like, cause we knows ya both live on the mainland, the north island as someone said th'other day...
So we put it on a stick,like. Hope youse all like it, Ross.
Does me wife get one too? I says
Na, he goes, jus' the main ratepayer. Man o' th' 'ouse, like.
Mmm. yep. I c'n do that, I says, with a sudden feeling of having Importance at Home.
Now that, thats a NEW feeling.
But thats another story for another day.
So 'ere I am , guys, 'oldin' up this 'ere stick to indicate to youse not only am I 'ead o' me own 'ouse, but I've bin given this award for bein' 2 Tasmanians in one, even when I'm a mainlander.
(pause for laughs)
Anyways, I'm 'ere to talk about the mine.
The Beaconsfield gold mine, and its future in your "eart and mine, an' in th'earts of the people o'
Bea-cons-field:
There's lotsa mineshafts around Bea-cons-field, as y'all know: /
And as you also know, not everyone from 'roun' 'ere tells ya when they discovers a old mineshaft,do they?
You dont get to 'ear about as many as what gets discovered do you?
Cos not ev'ryone as discovers an old mineshaft gets back to tell the story.Do they, right?
Not if'n they've fallen in , right, thought I' d better explain thet one see, me mum never unnerstood me jokes so she said, an' so did most ev'ryone else, I should label me jokes, see?
So, thet wassa JOKE
(pause for possible laugh)
Not like ol' Brant an' Toddy, right?
And talkin' 'bout Brant an' Toddy, right, youse is probly aware thet thet mine o' our'n is 'bout a killometer deep, right? And where youse all dug out Brant an' Toddy was on the 925 meter level, right? A right MIRACLE, according to the BEA-CONS-FIELD UNITING CHURCH, right?
Well, remember thet. If youse remember nuthin' else tonight, frienz, remember this:
Brant and Toddy walked out into the daylight from the 925 meter level. After absolutely hell on earth for an eternity in anyone's language, perticly the good Lords language. And youse all know thet thet mine is roight below The Uniting Church o' beewhatever Bea-cons-field, don't youse!
But that, good folks, is also another story f'r anudder day.
Youse all know, around the world the developed nations is using NUCLEAR power.
Don't ask me what they do with it, but they use it. Probly its an alternative to bottle gas or sumpin.
Anyway, doesn' matter, what matters isn theys usin' NUCLEAR POWER.
And as youse all know, its not safe. Oh , the NUCLEAR POWER,s safe, its th'idiots what provide its the problem.
They use the POWER, but they ain't got no place to dump the spent waste. No Recycle bins if youse knows what I mean. Nowhere to stick the stuff which only gets like, half used up chemically like, and theys got noplace, no recycle bin to stick the other 'alf which is gunna be proactive for another 50 or so MILLION YEARS.
Now regardless of what the good Barry Easter the Honourable MayoraBeacy said to me, or what the honourable whatserface from the Honourable Unitin' Churcha Beacy says, this is not a Commercial.
And no matter whether youse all saw David Kochy and Mr Ninepins an' Jennifer Fallutin' Keyte 'ere, I says, this is not a Commercial. Mainly 'cos they none of 'em are paying me , right?
All the budget, they said, went to Brant and whats 'is name, they " gave at the office' if youse all know what I mean.
Anyway, to ruin a good story, sorry, to get on with it, I have to tell youse all about me STUDY trip OVERSEAS LAST YEAR.
As youse all know, normal people, like us Taswegians, we use WATER to generate our power.
It's clean. There's plenty of it. And it's free. And besides, what's really important, IT"S ALL UPHILL from us.
Also it tastes good, it's not worth anything, and its self replenishing. The Uniting Church have a word for it, but I cant remember it. Like self- replenishing.
Anyway, as I said, youse is familiar with WATER POWER GENERATION.
We Taswegians with both one head or two is the GENERATION of WATER GENERATORS.
We has our place in this world, this present evil world. I heard thet at th'Unitin' Church too.
But thet's another story fer anudder day too, like.
Well, over on the mainland, in Victoria they uses hot air from coal. They useta say it was from Kennet, now it's more o' a Bracksy think like, anyway...
In France where I went, where they really speak French an' all, they , like they can't even understand the Queen's English, them frogs uses NUCLEAR POWER:
In FRANCE where I went, you go on these VERY FAST TRAINS, in Tasmania youse don't have real trains loike the Frenchies do, I mean REALLY FAST TRAINS. TGV's the frogs call 'em.
Stands for something what I can't remember but being theb FROGS it's probly rude...
Anyways when youse are all on these TGV VERY FAST TRAINS travelling at 300 killometersanhour, nearly as fast as a JUMBO JET what we don"t have in Launnie yet but they've been in VICTORIA on the MAINLAND for like 4o years, they travel at 1000 killometersanhour on the way to FRANCE but they don't go direct to FRANCE they go through LONDON or DUBAI or whatever but that's anudder story
(pause f'r laughter)
And in RUSHA. They use NUCLEAR POWER in RUSHA. Like its goin' outa fashion.
( laughs)
( laugh histerically yourself , like, if no-one else laughs)
An' in CZECH REPUBLIC!!!
Now to get to the enda this story, like Barry EASTERBUNNY'S asked me to tell youse all, I just gotta get youse to picture this border between RUSHA and CZECH REPUBLIC.
Its sorta like between New South Whales and Victoria, except there ain't no river.
More like the border between New South Whales an' Queensland, except its stacked with SHIPPING CONTAINERS. Like the Tasmanian Railway Workshops used to be like afore they, the TASMANIAN PARLIAMENT, pulled the trains orfa the lines.
So youse get the picture, right?
Well, these Ruskis and these Checkers, they's got nowhere to recycle their waste NUCLEAR product what's left over from their high faluti' NUCLEAR HALF REACTORS what's gunna stay active for the next 50 MILLION years, and our KIDS next 50 MILLION years, and THEIR KIDS next 50 MILLION years, if youse all know what I mean.
This NUCLEAR REACTIVE POWER WASTE IS BEIN" STORED IN THEM SHIPPING CONTAINERS ON THE RUSSIAN FRONT. ON THE CHECK BORDER.
See what I mean, Barry's RECYCLE BINS make sense if you think about it don't it, and we Taswegians is a thinkin' race.
Paul whatsisface called AUSTRALIA, the CLEVER COUNTRY!
Did youse all know thet?
And TASMANIANS is AUSTRALIANS too, really, in the big picture.
We really is.
So yousa all seen them shipping containers right?
Theres shipping containers does two things, right?
They sits round on docks, and they goes rusty, right?
Well these SHIPPING CONTAINERS on the CHESKY RUSSIAN FRONT is sittin on the ground, and goin' rusty, like we said.
FULLA ROTTEN REEKIN FILTHY NUCLEAR HALF WASTE to see our children an' our children's children an' all the Ruski's an ' the Cheski's children through for 50 MILLION YEARS.
So.
SO ? you says?
We don't have nothin'to worry about, so long as they don't bring them intermediaries to Australia. Or Tasmania. We've kept them refurottengees outa this place fer the last 50 million years we can keep 'em out another!
But people like me who owns 3 houses in Tasmania to rent to the PUBLIC, and Barry Easter the MAYOR, we have what we call a SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY.
We want to help these poor unfortunate people who have to use NUCLEAR POWER because they don't have FREE WATER. What's uphill from them...
The Parliament of THE CZECH REPUBLIC, they have decided, and this is fair dinkum , they have decided they need somewhere to stick their waste by the year 2030.
Fair dinkum. Youse can read all about it on the Internet.
On BROADBAND anyway. " Cause most people here in Beacy, we suffer under Telstra's President Bush plan and maybe can't wait long enough to download that stuff, but let me assure you felloew NORTHERN TASMANIANS , even if youse don't all have HONARY BARRY EASTER BUNNY HEADS that this is a true thing:
THE CHESKI PARLIAMENT have decreed that by 2030 they will have a place to recycle, no, I tell a lie, they will have a place to stick their half used uranium yellow cake that isn't in cake tins..
(pause for laughter)
No, they are going to BURY IT.
The CHESKI PARLIAMENT of CZECH REPUBLIC have decreed 5 possible places to bury their URANIUM YELLOW CAKE.....
One o' these is ROHOZNA where I spent some days with my friend who actually has a house in CHESKI, but there are 5 ROHOZNAS in CZECH, so I don't know if it's the same ROHOZNA or not, but , do you know, over there in greater EUROPE, you wouldn't believe it but they are all absolute NIMBYS.........NOT IN MY BACKYARD THANKYOU.
Have you heard that expression before? Its very EURO. Just the latest expression, oh, about 20 years ago?
The latest saying.
Except since they don't speak English over there they probly have some other GOBBLEDEGOOK expression that we civilised TASMANIANS wouldn't understand.
Anyways, what they plan is, that the CHESKI guvmint is gunna dig a hole halfa mile deep, to store their NUCLEAR WASTE
No wheelie bins there, Barry Easter. Just a big longdrop.
Like, our West Tamar Council climbed outa that hole at least 10 years ago right?
( expect more laughter)
Remember thet song by thet 3-legged Rough Harris fella , about the REDBACK on the toilet SUITE? I lo-o-oved thet song. Wonder if he sang it to THE QUEEN while he was painting her face this year over there in ENGLAND?
But thet's anudder story fer anudder time like, if youse gets me drift.
Anyways, these CHESKIS has it all worked out.
And anyways two, THE CZECH REPUBLIC is small bikkies. What they gunna do is dig this hole halfamile deep, and bury the stuff!
But I ask you, how does thet help?
How does thet help the Ruskis who hev gone broke and have their teeming yellow millions with their teeming yellow cake with the teeming half-life of 50 million years?
How does that help, when Barry Easter the MAYOR of WEST TAMAR COUNCIL in NORTHERN TASMANIA and me, ROSS, and you, the people of BEA-CONS-FIELD HAVE A SOCIAL RESPONSOIBILITY?
Say, does anyone here have a metric converter, I lost mine shorten, sorry shortly after we got decimal currency in 1960 something.
And there's another name destined for another time..Mr Bill Shorten, but sadly for him I think it's in the past...
(maybe more laughter if you hev Liberal Voters in Beaconsfield...check..)
Anyways. .. to the besta my superior UNEDUCATED mind, like the DISCIPLES OF THE UNITING CHURCH OF BEA-CONS-FIELD I always say ,
"UNLEARNED AND IGNORANT MEN",
alla us here , meself included, I fergot what I was gunna say.
( pause to sip and think)
YES I know, if youse all get a metric CONVERTER , youse will find that HALFAMILE, that's 2640 feet deep in ENGLISH, is approximately roughly EXACTLY EQUIVALENT to 925 meters.
( pause for effect of shock: SILENCE)
LADIES and GENTLEMEN,, I GIVE YOU BEACONSFIELD.!!!!!
******
posted by Ross at 12:07 am
2 Comments:
Funny! But we’re not that dumb you know …… a lot of us sound a whole lot more stupid than we actually are!!
impressive. Luckily we still count you as a fellow Tasmanian :-) You going for a wider audience with this?
F&G
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